If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
– Dalai Lama
The two most common emotional problems that people seek help for are depression and anxiety, and both of these emotional problems can be very disabling, and lead to an all sorts of problems in simply getting on with life and dealing with the day-to-day challenges that we all face as we deal with work, relationships, and even our social life. REBT teaches us that when we are depressed and experiencing anxiety symptoms, we also feel bad about ourselves, and talk unkindly to ourselves, berating ourselves for failures, and vulnerabilities which, when not anxious or depressed, we can usually overlook, and allow for. Albert Ellis calls this tendency to criticize, ‘self-depreciation’ or ‘self-damning’ and most of us are familiar with it, as a large majority of us experience these two emotions to a greater or lesser degree at some point in our lives. We are our own worst critics.
Some theorists have divided depression into two categories in this context; self-blame and self-pity. Self-blame usually involves a theme of ‘bad me’. Self-pity, on the other hand usually involves a theme of ‘poor me’, otherwise referred to as ‘victimhood’. When experiencing this kind of extremely exaggerated and biased self-talk, we listen to our own inner voice criticizing us, and we don’t for one-second judge it to be harsh or biased, and we usually accept such thoughts as being justified and deserved, and reflective of a reasonable evaluation of our worth. In other words, we treat ourselves and talk to ourselves with a marked lack of self-compassion.
When we talk about being compassionate
Usually, when we talk about compassion, we refer to our compassion for others, both specifically for individuals, but also generally for groups of people. Most of us understand compassion to be a godly virtue and indicative of good character and personality. In a previous post, we explained the meaning of compassion its connection with our brain.
The origins of the word “compassion” are Latin, (com) ‘with’ and (passion) ‘to suffer’, (as in the ‘passion’ of Christ). When we talk of compassion today it is with a meaning of patience, understanding, tolerance, and acceptance. All of this we find difficult enough when it comes to feeling it, practicing it and extending it to others, but we are spectacularly unsuccessful at doing the same for ourselves, especially when we are depressed or anxious. Consequently, and move we can make toward extending compassion to ourselves is part of a healing process, as we return to a more balanced and emotionally even frame of mind.
Cognitive Behavioural Hypnotherapy is all about belief change, and is a very adaptive tool when it comes to re-learning some of the compassion we used to feel toward ourselves before we became depressed or anxious, and together with these emotions we can add others which feature a lack of compassion; guilt, unhealthy anger (rage), shame, jealousy, hurt, and envy. Using hypnosis and the CBH process we can learn to be kinder to ourselves and more accepting of our ‘fallibility’ as human beings. It is sometimes very surprising how quickly change can take place when we start to talk to ourselves differently and with self-compassion, allowing and accepting our vulnerabilities as evolutionary beings.
Paul Gilbert (author of The Compassionate Mind) repeats frequently, ‘It’s not your fault, so stop blaming yourself’. When we are self-compassionate, we allow for the fact that we are human beings who are evolving in an ever-changing world, and the pace of change is accelerating all around us. Is it any surprise that we struggle to keep up, and have a tendency to blame ourselves for not being as efficient as the technologies we are now producing and using?
Avy Joseph is Director and Co-founder of CCBT and City Minds. He lectures on a number of the courses. He is registered and accredited CBT therapist with the British Association for Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapies (BABCP). He has an MSc in REBT from Goldsmiths College and is a board accredited member of Association of Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy (AREBT). He is accredited by the National Counselling Society (NCS) and is a Fellow of the National Hypnotherapy Society (HS). Avy has authored several books on CBT and REBT. He has a private practice in Central London.
He has recently published Confidence and Success with CBT and Visual CBT with Maggie Chapman, Co-Founder of the College. Other published works include Cognitive Behavioural Therapy – your route out of perfectionism, self-sabotage, and other everyday habits.